Wednesday, 4 January 2017

It all went wrong again...

What I'm going to write about next is going to be difficult for me...  and before you ask the question 'why?', I honestly don't know.
Not for sure anyway.
That's one of the hardest parts about all of this - the not knowing why...

I took Milly back to school that morning - just like any other.
It was the first day back after the Christmas break.

When I went to collect her as I always did, I was met with two staff members from the school who came to my car (where I was waiting) and informed me that I couldn't take Milly home.  They wouldn't explain why and told me they had a phone number I could ring if I wanted further information.

I remember asking if it was to do with either of two pupils that Milly had had problems with in the past and being concerned as Milly hadn't eaten all day and would be hungry.  They told me that if that was my concern, she had eaten and eaten well.  Milly never ate breakfast or lunch at school, and I remember responding with 'well, I don't know how on earth you managed to get her to do that'.
I'd had no success since her transition to secondary school...

Then I told them I couldn't go through this again and asked them to phone my husband.
And I drove home without her...

We knew nothing for a few hours.
Then a phone call from a Social Worker informed us that she would be coming to the house.
She wouldn't tell us anything and wanted to collect some of Milly's belongings.  I believe the quote she used was to make it 'home from home'.

The Social Worker stayed for what seemed like a few hours, asking us all sorts of questions about any Milly was on...  and probably more...  but I can't remember.
Not now.
I was more concerned with trying to figure out what to pack for her and walking up and down the stairs collecting things to put in a suitcase.

There's only one thing that Milly specifically asked for and that was 'Huggy' - her bedtime toy that she had had since about the age of one...

Whilst the Social Worker was still with us, I had a phone call from the Police.
I asked why they were phoning me and not my husband as he was the one dealing with it all...  and was told that the allegations were against me and not him...  well, not directly against him anyway.

To keep this concise, I'll just list the allegations Milly made.  The one's I can remember and have been told about anyway.
I suspect there's probably more...

1.   I let Milly go hungry.
2.   I don't wake her up for school in the morning and expect her to stay at home and look after me.
3.   I make her lie and pretend to be ill when I take her to the doctors.
4.   I punished her (recently) by making her stand naked in front of an open window.  (I'm not clear           on whether 'open window' meant curtains open or window open...  or both.
5.   I  (recently) 'dry humped' her whilst putting my mouth on her neck.  (Sorry to be so crude, but I           don't know how else to describe it and that's basically what I was told).
6.   I touched her 'private' area.
7.   She's scared of me because I 'go off like a ticking time bomb'.

And if that wasn't horrific enough for me to hear for the first time ever when I went for my 'voluntary' police interview, Milly also alleged about two months later that although she wasn't sure if this was a dream or not, I had walked her to a building in her school uniform when she was about six years old and watched whilst a tall, ginger haired man raped her.
Then I apparently walked her home.

What can I tell you?
I'm not writing about some child that we had had major screaming arguments with.
At least if we had this would make some sort of sense.

Like I said before, there were no clues whatsoever that this was going to happen.


This is stating what I hope you realise is blatantly obvious.  Her allegations against me are not true... although I can see where a few are based in some sort of reality that has been twisted.

For example, 'Milly going hungry' has always been her choice and one that, day in/day out for years I have battled with her over.  

I can count on one hand the number of times I haven't woken Milly up for school and they are always when she has had an exceptionally bad night.  (A bad night's sleep was sadly the norm for Milly).
She seems to have forgotten that I was the one trying to cajole her to school every morning with a 'get in the shower and see how you feel after that'.
And on the days when she told me that she really couldn't cope with going in (which were becoming more often) she would always tell me she was sorry...
Lack of food/sleep and pain from Hypermobility issues meant that things had gone downhill for Milly by that stage but she had, at long last, started getting some professional help regarding her pain/Hypermobility problems.  

As for the doctors?
School had demanded that as Milly was ill so often I would have to take her to see the GP each and every single time she was ill and off school.
The only thing I ever did whilst waiting with her in the waiting area was to double check her symptoms with her so that if she didn't want to talk to the GP,  I could tell them for her.
(Milly spent many years using me as her 'mouthpiece'.  She used to give me a look that meant 'speak for me').
During the last year/eighteen months she was getting more confident and I had had to do that far less. But I always told her that if I was saying something wrong she needed to let me know.  

Is she really scared of me?
Who knows?
I was the only one who ever really got on her case, day in/day out about food...  or about wearing a bra...  or putting her underwear in the clothes bin...  or about shaving her 'pits'.  
She couldn't do it herself (or cut her hand or toe nails - yet another area of 'battle') - I'm not actually sure if it was to do with her hypermobility or her developmental delay issues.
What I do know is she had had pain in her arms for a while by that stage and that just showering or cleaning her teeth exhausted her.
She would often lie in the shower for a few minutes after washing herself.

Was I wrong to insist on shaving her underarm area/her 'pits'?
Maybe you think I was, but I'll tell you exactly why I insisted on doing it.
(It's not like I didn't still see her naked almost every day anyway as she called me in to the bathroom to comb conditioner through her hair).
Remember how much she was bullied..?
I didn't want anyone to see her hairy armpits through her white shirt and ridicule/bully her over it.

Yes, it was rare for Milly to take her coat off (she kept it on at school almost all of the time - sensory issues initially, but I believe she may also have been using it to possibly 'hide in' once she had 'developed' in certain areas - if you follow my drift), but I also believed that she had to learn that shaving her 'pits' is just part and parcel of being female.  
That's what I thought, anyway...

I won't pretend things were easy with Milly at home.
They weren't.  Not any more.
But we thought we were just dealing with the 'sullenness' of a moody teenager.  
She didn't yell or storm of to her room, but she was quieter/moodier and wanted more time by herself.
And she hated the term 'teenager' with a passion...

And generally seemed far more intolerant of me.

We also knew that Milly was struggling with her sexuality in a number of ways.
She hated her boobs with a passion and announced she would have them 'cut off' as soon as she was able.
She also told me she wanted a Chest Binder, but I couldn't, in all good conscience, buy her one without knowing if it was safe and I strongly doubted that it was.
Not at her age, when she's still growing. 

She eventually said she would compromise on a Minimiser Bra, but given her bust size I knew that this would be yet another quick fix that would last for a week or so before she realised it didn't give her what she wanted.
She's always been like that.
But I would have at least taken her to look for one if I had been able to get her out of bed - except that now all she ever wanted to do was sleep.   

We knew that the teenage years with a High Functioning Autistic girl were going to be difficult as we had read and heard first hand accounts from other people.
But all in all, we though Milly was doing ok.
We thought she was finally mending.

Compared to where she had been at after her time in the hospital...  and again after her time in Year 6 primary school, she had made huge strides forward.

So when Julie from Autism Outreach said that Milly needed CAMHS involvement we honestly couldn't see why.  
(Julie obviously had far more to say on that subject but chose not to.  Perhaps if she had things could have been different).
But I very much doubt that she was allowed to...  Or perhaps it was just a case of choosing to keep Mill'y confidence.  I don't know.
Given just how fragile and broken Milly had been after her time in hospital we honestly didn't trust CAMHS to be able to help her.
The truth is simply this...  We had lived through the worst of it with Milly and didn't trust them not to put her back in that place again.

We had already had three assessment appointments with CAMHS during Year 4 (after a Paediatric referral) where they had told us that an hour session once a week would cause more harm than good and that our only option was to place Milly on a Unit where I could stay with her.
But they were so very, very cagey with their details...  and we didn't want to see Milly deteriorate again...  and given what people just like them had put us all through last time...  
It was as simple as that.

Had we known then that Milly would have what we believe to be a 'full on' mental breakdown, perhaps things would have been different.

Oh, the joys of hindsight.

I'll address her other allegations in the next chapter...

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