Wednesday, 4 January 2017

Footnotes...

Do I blame myself?
Sometimes, yes I do...
But there were no clues.

Margo has told us that these kinds of issues happen this quickly and out of the blue.

I wish I could tell my daughter that I've never stopped missing her, that I'm sorry I couldn't do enough to help her, that I wish she hadn't had to go through her time in hospital or being bullied.  
That I wish when I'd asked for help for her we'd been given it.

I would tell her that I'm sorry that I had to fight tooth and nail just to get people to listen when she said she was in pain.  
That I'm sorry she had to wait so long to get that help.

Perhaps things would have been different if CAMHS had been willing to help us when we knew we needed them most.

I hope she's happy, and that she finds people in her life that can truly accept her for who she is so that she doesn't have to pretend any more.

I hope one day she knows the truth...

***

Once a year, on January 5th, I plan to link this blog of sorts to my Facebook page, and once again on World Autism Day (April 2nd).  
I don't mean to offend anybody, but I do want people to notice.
That's why the link will read 'Why I hate Autism'.

Notice I'm not saying I hate the person with Autism, but I do hate the ignorance and the lack of knowledge about it that has lead to us losing our daughter.

It seems so barbaric and incomprehensible that in this day and age this has been allowed to happen to us...  and not just once, but effectively twice.

I won't even tell you about my bad days in trying to come to terms with all of this, but I will tell you this...
If I didn't wake up tomorrow that wouldn't be a bad thing at all...  and I look forward to the day I die.

If that doesn't tell you how much this hurts then nothing will.

***

Some time has passed since I wrote the above, and I've had a change of heart about just one thing.

Why?

Because this isn't just about Milly any more.

She's gone.
And the pain of that hurts just as much as if she were actually dead.

So I've got to try and find a way to live without her.  
Which is why I never go to any of the meetings about her.
Never.

Let me explain...

You see, after the first set of allegations Milly made against me, I was asked to go to the Police Station to do a 'Voluntary Police Interview'.
(You don't have to, but you do get advised that it looks bad and could count against you if you don't).

So I go through the ordeal of that...  and then have to go through it all again when Milly alleges a few months later that I took her somewhere to be raped.

After the onslaught of questions the second time 'round
(all taped in a room just like a real Police Interview and held under the same conditions - other than me actually being cautioned and 'under arrest' of course),
I get told that the information I've provided will have to be reviewed and investigated so that they can see if there's enough evidence to prosecute me.

The Police Woman stresses to me that the 'burden of proof' they are after is far greater than that used by Social Services and that there has to be some actual evidence.

And I wait...  And I wait...  And I wait...

And all I can think about during this time (and please don't misinterpret this as I did not do any of the  things that Milly has accused me of) is that they will find 'something'.
After all, that's effectively what happened last time when Milly was in the hospital...

They just took a set of circumstances completely out of my control and blamed me anyway.

And I was convinced that the same thing would happen again. 

I went from crying every single day because Milly was gone to crying every single day because I believed that they would come up with some 'proof' and present it as fact...
and I just knew that I couldn't cope with going to court...  or any of it.
I just couldn't...

I knew because I hadn't coped with the Court Proceeding's we'd already been through.
(Where Social Services effectively take you to court for their Care proceedings).

I sat in on one session - after the initial court hearing where not a lot happened because they couldn't discuss anything without me being aware of the charges made against me - and left midway in floods of tears at the point where the Social Services solicitor was speaking to the Judge and querying my daughter's diagnosis...  

I'm talking about those gut wrenching, noisy tears that just don't stop.
I refused to go in again after that, knowing full well that I would not cope with anymore.

Of course, it didn't help that we were blessed with the Judge from Hell who has a reputation for being dogmatic, rude, etc.
(I joke you not.  Our solicitor apologised to us on more than one occasion for this particular judge's vitriolic behaviour).

This judge wouldn't even let the case proceed to 'Findings' - a term used where experts are brought in to get to the bottom of what's going on.
Our solicitor's - even Social Services solicitors tried several times to get the judge to change her mind.
She simply stated that 'in her experience Autistic children do not lie'...  and that was good enough for her.
Arguments about Milly needing to be psychologically assessed were pushed aside with utterances of 'do it yourself once she's in your Care'.

Well...  you see how well that's played out, don't you?

And to spell it out to those of you who haven't understood what I've been saying, I spent the next eight to ten weeks (whilst I waited for the Police to hurry up and complete their investigation) coming up with a plan to kill myself.

Let's just say that I understand what it means to be so desperate that death seems to be the only way out...  the only viable option.
And that's a dark, dark place to be in.

How do I ever, ever even begin to forgive that if Milly has done all this one purpose?

 I still cry that Milly never even said goodbye, never even left a note when she must have known what was going to happen that day.

I still cry about lots of things.

But the bad days aren't quite as often any more.

***

Milly has broken our hearts...  and we know that other families have silently suffered similar with their child on the Autistic spectrum.

We know that we are not alone in our suffering.
We are not alone with the injustice of it all.

But too few people are aware that this is happening and is being allowed to continue to happen.

And Social Services are clueless., but have full and total power in each of these cases.

So please help me.

I'm trying to find a way stop this from continuing to happen to other families with other children/teens like mine...

And to do that I need your help in sharing this story with other people.

Maybe if enough people know, things will begin to change.

It's the only hope I have...

8 comments:

  1. There are no words that I, or anyone else, can say to help ease your pain Donna my dear friend, but know, that I am so very very sorry to hear the ordeal you have gone through! It is quite frightening to hear that in this day and age of so called 'enlightened times', that there is still this kind of ignorance and innocent people who have already suffered so much, is still made to suffer on, it seems inconceivable! I hope that soon your heart starts to heal little by little, day by day, so that you no longer feel that life is not worth living (as you intimate in your text). Take care of yourself, my heart goes out to you. Hazel xx

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    1. There's so much I left out, Hazel...
      I went from crying every day about Milly to crying every day because I was scared that the police would find 'something' that they believed was grounds to believe her. Now I know I did nothing wrong... so logically I knew there was no evidence they could find, but given what we'd already been through I was convinced that somehow they would find 'something' and that I would have to go to court... and I knew I couldn't live through that. I couldn't even cope with sitting through the family court hearings... I just about managed one, but on the second the Social Services solicitor implied that Milly wasn't even Autistic and 'it was all my fault'.
      I left there and then in tears and never went in for another hearing.
      There are good days and bad days, my oh so lovely craft friend. Crafting helps, as do kind bloggy friends who stop by with such kind words. X

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  2. Donna I am so very sorry this has happened to you once again, it's just sad, desperate, sad and then some. I have no words to offer but please know we're here if you need to talk. No parent deserves this and I hope one day she becomes self aware and reaches out to you xx

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to stop by, Karen - especially as I know that some people choose to say nothing simply because they don't know what to say...
      All I can do is try and make people aware so that, maybe one day, things will be different.
      Thanks again. X

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  3. I'm so sorry Donna. I didn't realise the pain you were suffering. We lost our son through an accident in the home and not having other children we felt we had lost any sort of future and life just had no meaning. I don't really understand the effects of autism on a family but for what you have been through and the pain you continue to suffer I can only reach out with loving thoughts. However our children go out of our lives the loss is just the greatest thing imaginable and I do hope that you continue to grow in strength and find some comfort in your crafting and support from us all. With my love. Barbxx

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    1. Hello, Barb.
      There aren't many people who will understand... I'm sure you know that more than most.
      Crafting is my anaesthetic from the pain. It helps most of the time... and when it doesn't I resort to sorting.
      Thank you for reaching out to me and for sharing a little of your story. I'm sorry that life has been tough for you, too.
      Look after yourself...
      Donna. X

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    2. You take care Donna. I'm always around. Barbxx

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