Monday 2 April 2018

World Autism Day, 2018...

It’s the evening of April 2nd, 2018...  known perhaps to a few of you as ‘World Autism Day’.  And it’s a little over two years ago since I lost my daughter to Autism related mental health issues.
In the space of less than a year my beautiful, kind, smart and funny daughter turned into  someone I couldn’t reach any more.  But to be honest I had run out of steam by then.  Undiagnosed food related issues had left me feeling rotten for a good year and I was beyond tired pretty much 24/7.  Although I get the odd good day that hasn’t really changed.  But at least I know why now...
So what happened to make things go so wrong?
The truth is, I wish I knew.
Two years gives you a lot of time to ponder, to wish things had gone differently.  But we had no control over the hell we were put through when she was eight years old and that trauma affected us all.  You see, despite what some would have you believe, time does not heal all wounds...
And we had no help.  Believe me, I tried.  But when you get told that there is no money available and that your daughter isn’t a priority you pretty much just have to get on with it yourself.  I lost count of the people that knew me well enough to say ‘I don’t know how you cope’ and the answer was always the same.  ‘Because I have to’.  
It was as simple as that.
She was my world...
And I loved her so much.
Yet she threw me away, concocted a whole host of lies in the hopes that I would go and she could be with her dad.  The cruelest of lies.  The worst of lies that have you sitting in a police station giving evidence on tape.
And now I am beyond broken.  I will never be okay.  She had me at a point where I was going to kill myself...  and you don’t really ever get passed that level of pain.
And now my daughter is gone but she is not dead.  
And she has no mum and she has no dad because her plan fell through.
And a few of you who know me so well have told me what I already know...
‘It would be easier if she were dead’...
Yes, it would still hurt just as much.  But at least there would be no more worry about her future and what that will be.  She’ll be completely alone and that frightens me to the point of tears.  More tears and more pain yet again.
Does she have any idea of what she has actually done?
And I wonder where my daughter has gone because I am writing about a stranger here...
And I’m tired of being tired all the time.  Tired of knowing that we are not the only ones to have gone through something like this, yet those who try to help us are silenced so our story remains unheard.  
I do not want your pity.  I want the truth to be known, to be recognised as truth by those who have the power to change things.
Autism professionals with years of experience already know, but there is nothing they can do.
I wish she had stabbed me with a knife.  At least then perhaps she could have got the help she so obviously needs.  
That’s the truth of Autism in girls you won’t hear about...





2 comments:

  1. Dear Donna, I found this blog through following a link to one of your other blogs, I have read through from start to finish & I am astounded to see that you & Milly, have both been let down by the very system that was set up to protect & provide! To many families have been let down in this way & it is so uncaring & strips the family involved of their basic rights.
    I hate that this has happened to you & your little girl (I say little, because I relate back to before the hospital, when you could both still have Mum & Daughter moments) her Dad too of coarse. I have always seen sadness in your eyes (profile photo) but never suspected that you were living this daily hell.
    I wish you peace in your heart Donna, I have huge respect for you, you won’t see it, but you are a brave & strong woman, I know you are because I have to be one too!
    Love Jane S xx

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    1. Thank you, Jane.
      I don’t venture on to this blog very often... it’s just hear because it’s easier to say ‘read this’ than it is to try and explain...
      I appreciate every kind word.
      Xxx

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